Hey friend! Let’s pour a cup of tea and sit together. I want to share with you how I went from teacher to founder/leader of a non-profit that helps orphans. In today’s post, the story continues and I’m so grateful to anyone that takes time to sit and read it. As I said before, this story resides close to my heart. It’s a testimony to God’s direction, care and grace despite my fear and stubbornness. I’m committed to being transparent with you and so I will imagine “you” as just one friend, sitting across the table from me as I share my heart. Thanks for joining me.
Chaos in My Soul
In 2008, I was happily raising my children, substitute teaching, tutoring and leading Children’s Ministry at my local church in Massachusetts, when something happened to change the direction of my life. I went to Uganda on a mission trip with West Congregational Church to build a home for orphans with Watoto Ministries. One evening while there, I felt overwhelmed by such a strong sense of call and purpose, that when I tried to return to life as I knew it, there was complete chaos inside my soul.
A Call. In Uganda, that evening outside a French restaurant, I suddenly knew with total clarity that I was to do something serious to help orphans and widows. I know, it sounds crazy, but it was clear and compelling. I knew this was my purpose, but it went against all the expectations and commitments I had in life at that time. I had a clear picture that there were children who will die, without someone to go and help. God impressed on my heart that I was to help using what He just showed me in Uganda: a successful model of orphan care. He also let me know that I would do this work in Kenya and Tanzania in partnership with pastors he had already shown me (three pastors I knew from 1995-1996 when I lived in Tanzania, teaching at the Baptist Seminary in Arusha). He showed me the model and the partners and asked me to join Him in this mission. I argued with Him. “God, do you understand that Watoto is a multi-million dollar ministry? I have a mini-van and $12 in my pocket. Also, my husband is more talented than I am — I think you should ask Him to do this. He will be great!” Lots of arguing (I’m quite stubborn at times). God continued to ask me, not in an audible voice, but in a way that I knew beyond a shadow of doubt that it was Him moving my heart.
No! How could I possibly say yes to this? Who would believe that God, the Creator of the world, was speaking to me? I was afraid. Terrified. I felt unprepared for such a monumental task. I felt disturbed inside as I tried to brush aside the intense feelings of God’s calling, and return to “normal” life. I found resuming life as I knew it impossible and there was no relief from a growing burden in my heart for the children in need. I felt a kinship to Jonah during this time.
Misery before obedience. I want to try to describe the next eight weeks of my life to you. During that time I said, “No” to God daily and walked in total misery, weighted down. I found myself weeping daily and felt I was deep in grief over something which I could not explain. God used this grief to show me it was Him, because prior to that I was not someone who cried much, even at funerals. Suddenly I was crying many times a day, every day. In addition to the tears, if I closed my eyes to pray or sleep, I could only see a clear black and white scene of children in East Africa, sleeping on the street under trash for as far as I could see. This vision was there EVERY time I closed my eyes. I couldn’t escape it.
I felt very much alone. My family tried to understand what I was going through, and my husband was really concerned, but I felt I could not explain well to anyone what was happening within me. I didn’t understand it; how could I explain it? Also, I felt far from God because I was saying no to Him. I couldn’t do simple things like buy groceries (left a full grocery cart and fled the store in tears). One morning my son, Davis, was getting ready for high school and came in the kitchen to find me totally in tears, again. He said, “Mom, maybe you should go back to Africa and try to figure this thing out.” I replied, “No, I know what ‘this thing’ is. God is asking me to do something impossible — I just can’t.” At precisely that moment, my daughter, Lindsey, came through preparing to go to the University of New Hampshire for class and heard this discussion. Her observation was, “Mom, if GOD is asking you, then you need to go ahead and do whatever it is, because He will not stop asking.” With that, she was out the door.
During these eight weeks, other events confirmed to me that God was in this. I wrote a song about orphans — unplanned. The words and melody were just in my head one day and I couldn’t write it down fast enough. Two weeks later while driving another song “came.” I spoke out loud in my car, “OK, God. Very funny. It’s night, I’m driving at least 20 more minutes and you give me an entire song now? Well, You’ll just have to remind me of the whole thing, melody too, when I get home to my keyboard because I AM over forty, You know, and it is night time!” He reminded me. In addition to writing songs, I suddenly wanted to paint. I had no idea why, as I had never painted. However, I needed to paint. So, I began art lessons with Nicole DeClerck Murray (who is a wonderful teacher)! Today both painting and creating music are two of the best ways that I can use to tune out worries and relax.
Saying Yes; Broken. During those 8 weeks, I read a book that was incredibly helpful and today remains my favorite book after the Bible. Kay Warren had recently written Dangerous Surrender: What Happens When You Say Yes to God? If you have struggled with answering a call from God in your life, I recommend you read Kay’s book. I felt like she was inside my head. Page after page, Kay Warren’s writing was like reading the intense chaos of my soul on paper. I thought, “How does she know this is what I’m feeling?” She put forth the challenge to follow God anyway, despite fear, embarrassment, rejection or uncertainty. Step out into the unknown with a very known God.
The chaos inside me stemmed from my total desire and longing to follow God anywhere contrasted with the practical side of me that saw my responsibilities and the things I was ‘expected’ to do. Finally, after 8 weeks of crying daily, not eating much, grieving, seeing that vision in my eyes, living in my own world of creating, feeling distant from everyone . . . after all of that, I couldn’t cry another tear. I was spent — wiped out. I finally was broken. In my soul “the rug was ripped out from under my feet” and I found myself on my face before God, saying, “Okay! I’ll do it. I surrender to Your plan.” God broke through all my excuses, my reasoning and fears. I gave up my plans for His. I decided to abandon the familiar, change my life’s direction and live out this purpose, His purpose.
The very next morning, I woke up and felt a twinge of fear. I took a deep breath and thought, “Oh, no! What have I promised Him?” Suddenly, I felt a physical warmth around my shoulders as if someone had draped a blanket over me, and I felt God speaking in my spirit, “I’m here. You made this so difficult. All I wanted was your obedience. You only needed to say ‘yes,’ because I will bring the rest. Relax!”
Relief! From that time forward, I have never closed my eyes and seen the scene of children on the streets, and my daily crying episodes stopped immediately, that day. It was like flipping off a light switch. Truly, I only had to say “Yes.”
I’m stopping here, because the rest of the story is long. I promise to wrap it up next time (December 1st) and then move on to stories of the Kulea Villages ministry. Next time I will share what happened after I surrendered and said, “Yes.” There were definitely obstacles, doubts and sometimes fears.
If you read a post that has meaning to you, please leave me a comment and/or share it with your friends. I would love your help in building an audience for the things God is impressing on my heart. I hope something here will help you along your journey, as you find and live out your purpose.
